a'ight, time for some personal business.  elmo ain't had no lovin in way way too long.  and he would complain about that, but, shit man, you bunch of self-felching reprobates surely have it much worse.  anyhow, tired of taking matters into his own hands, elmo decided to look for love on the net.  and holy cow there's loads of hotties out there.  but there was this one.  oh, this one that he found.  as her picture came up centimeter by centimeter, his jaw dropped in time.  holy fucking crap.  a heart-rending supplication of great pathos was demanded.  and here is the missive he dispatched…

'o girl. o, girl.  oh.  i got to got to know.  so i'm looking at your picture and i'm thinking.  holy fuck, if such beauty as this can have a soul, a kind sweet loving trustworthy imaginative soul.  well then, it really is a good world.  there is hope.  a virtue can take on flesh, and flesh of unutterable beauty, though my mouth is just gonna have to try.  if you are as kind as you are beautiful, then i will build you a temple.  and in the mornings i will bring you happiness.  an assortment, in fact, such as will make your immaculate praeternatural soul tremble with tender ebullience.  and in the evenings i bring you magnificent acts of love, made of sound you can eat.  for you are fine.  fine like a dust, a powder of moonlight, you are.  and i will eat you one day.  with a mouth i shall fashion out of immaterial substances invented by gods of pleasure.  i promise, darling.  to fold you in the baby blankets of young olympians.  and you'll glow in the dark and float on air.  impossibly lovely nutritious air that sizzles on your flesh, not with pain but pleasure, a real nice sizzlin' that stokes.  a fire made of reality that feels good.  you will evolve a new sense, the organ of which is a genital educing astrophageous raptures of a higher order of being.  much higher.  and i know just how it works.  i'll show ya.'

and i know you're all dying to see the gal, so here's a pic.  she hasn't written back to me yet, so i would appreciate it if any fine chicks out there would please tell me what the hell it is they want to hear, so i can start telling it to them.  and anybody who can send me samples of more effective petitions, will receive fabulous prizes from the brain.

oh, yeah, in case you're wondering how sonny bono is these days, here's a pic.

__________________________
NEXT TUESDAY: up yers, sincerely
A LONG TIME AGO: other cries for help in the archives
ALWAYS:  yell at elmo@redbrain.com