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Friends of
The Brain |
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Dear
Cobretti,
I am 15 years
old and in the tenth grade. Everything in my life has been perfect until
two months ago when I started secretly dating my best friends' brother.
I thought it would be fun at first, sneaking around and making out between
classes but things are starting to get complicated. I think Courtney might
even suspect something. She has been ignoring me and pranking my cell phone.
Do you think I should stop being best friends with Courtney or break up
with her brother?
Macy Harrington |
Dear
Macy,
In America, there is
a burglary every 11 seconds, an armed robbery every 65 seconds, a
violent crime every 25 seconds, a murder every 24 minutes, and 250
rapes a day. You're a disease. I'm the cure.
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Dear Cobretti,
My mom just got
remarried and now I have a new family. Does this mean I have two dads?
Jessica Thompson
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| Dear
Jessica,
I
know that this must be a very confusing time for you. The pain of
divorce is a very real pain, one that I know all too well. I was
eleven when my parents were divorced, and it affected me greatly.
I wouldn't talk to anyone for a long time; even Dr. Rosenberg, a psychiatrist
my mother took me to see twice a week. I began wearing dresses;
for a long time I wished I was a girl. I am actually wearing
women's panties right now. Do you think it was easy for me at
school, wearing dresses and playing dolls; my name is MARION for chrissake!
Why don't you leave me the fuck alone! Yes, you have
two daddies, and No, neither one loves you! Bitch.
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Dear Cobretti,
I
think I should have outgrown my training bra by now. All of my other
girlfriends are developing bigger chests than me. Am I cursed to be flat
chested my whole life? And does this mean that boys won't like me as
much? Help!
Lainey Cobb
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| Dear
Lainey,
Hey
dirtbag, you're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots. You
wasted a kid - for nothin'. Now I think it's time to waste you.
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Dear Cobretti,
I know it's
wrong to lie but sometimes I can't help it. I think it's more fun to
exaggerate stories. I even like to lie about important things, like how
many boys I've kissed. Do you think I'm a compulsive liar?
Emily Baker |
| Dear
Emily,
No
way sister, you go! Trust me, if anyone loves to tell a whopper
now and then, it's me! Like the other day, I told
Rebecca, a girl in my unit, that the sorry-excuse-for-a-Prada
knockoff bag she had looked good! Can you believe that
skank? Like anything she has looks good. And Maria, that
new girl that works at the gym, asked me if her new ass-ugly
green sleeveless tank made her arms look fat. I was like
"no way, Maria. Your arms look good." As
if!! That dumb ho needs to G.A.C.*! You know what I'm sayin'?
*get a clue
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If
you have a question or a problem, have nowhere else to turn and need advice....
ASK COBRETTI....
Marion Cobretti is a member of the L.A.P.D.'s "zombie squad",
and an avid golfer and gun collector.
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