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Friends of
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Dr. Asshole is not a proctologist. He is a licensed
and accredited general practitioner in the state
of California. Actually, he only claims to be (and
we have our doubts). He may just be a med student
who has a bad attitude; but has certainly done his
fair share of reading, and deserves a public forum.
Dr. Asshole is his real name, so please don't try
to hurt his feelings by making fun of it; be original,
for Christ's sake. Criticize, for instance, the
chronic, nearly dysphasic, omission of articles
and identifiers in his rants. And how would you
like it if we made fun of you for something you
couldn't help, Retard? Feel free to send him your
medical worries if you would like some free, apocryphal
advice, care of Randy Stainer. The doctor is in...
I will try to answer one or two questions a week
from the teeming masses of heathen swine who come
to me for assistance. Anything else would be far
more than you deserve and infinitely more than I
could possibly tolerate.
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Dear
Doctor:
I'm a pleasantly plump female of 27 years.
My hygiene has always been impeccable. Recently
I have fallen into a bit of a funk and have
problems motivating myself to leave my couch.
Well, yesterday, I noticed that what I had
thought was a new patch of hair growing under
my belly button was in fact a mold colony.
What do I do?
Funky Filly in Philly
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Dear
Funky Filly in Philly,
First of all there is simply no such thing
as "pleasantly plump". You are most assuredly
a monstrous beast stewing on the couch in
your own excrement. There is Jerry Springer
special in the works with your name all over
it. If there were such a woman in existence
who deserved the moniker "pleasantly plump"
she would, of course, describe herself as
"slighty athletic" or, at worst, "average".
Not to get too far off track but I just hate
crazy fat bitches who improperly label themselves.
In the spirit of the gratuitous use of quotations
marks this reminds me of a bad experience
I had ordering "take-out" from a whorehouse
in Tijuana... but surely I digress. As to
your horrible Barnum & Bailey type problem,
I suggest that you consider the possibility
that an unexplained surge in your testosterone
levels is causing development of a vestigial
penis that has always existed within the hood
of your woohoo (Yes, I am telling you that
you are definitely a hermaphrodite). As I
imagine your work related opportunites are
rather grim, I suggest your consider a position
where you will be well remunerated for procreating
with animals on live feeds over the internet.
This will keep you off welfare and make it
far less likely that you will ever pass along
your hideous genes in any type of human to
beast (ie you) coupling.
Dr Asshole thanks you for your support.
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