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Friends of
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Halloween at Castle
Lumpinstine --10/31/01
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Hello Kiddies-
I'm up against the wall here. I guess we all are
from time to time, but as the cliche goes I really
am, up against the wall. About a couple months back
I walked out on that tramp Rita. I know what you
are saying, "Lumpy why would you ever walk out on
a piece of ass like that?" I still know what you
are saying but you don't know what I am saying.
Isn't that the great mystery of life. I am up against
the wall here because I keep on making dumb decisions.
Like the other day for instance I let this freeloader
stay with me, you know kind of a pass the time pay
the rent kind of thing. Ever since John has lost
his mind and taken the night shift I hardly see
him, at least when he worked the day shift, he would
be able to pay for dinner, or in my case breakfast.
Anyway this vagabond stops by, says his name is
Larry. I grabbed that fucker by the shirt and smashed
him into the wall, and I MEAN HARD. I said, "Who
are you trying to fool, Larry is dead, he doesn't
live here anymore, are you trying to haunt me or
do you just want the money back" With that the street
bum started to cry, he said he didn't want any trouble.
I helped him to his feet and told him not to worry,
I was just trying out some new material for when
I answer the door on Halloween. The hot ladle of
soup in the bag is getting old, although you should
see the look on their stupid faces when they see
a pool of miniature candy bars and popcorn balls
floating in split pea soup. It's a real mess and
it teaches them to respect me. I have never been
egged, I have never been turfed, I have never had
dog shit lit and then door bell rang. I am impervious
to this because I have made the original threat.
I have raised the bar this high, not them. This
year is even gonna be better. If I can bring a grown,
unstable, schizophrenic street bum to tears, than
for God sakes I can teach some fucking vinyl costumed,
nitwitted children about the meaning of the word
respect. I know what you are thinking, you are thinking,
"LUMPY, HOW COULD YOU..... THESE ARE CHILDREN?"
You know what Sally, FUCK YOU! That's the way I
think. If I want to get a leg up on all these little
fuckers than so be it. I mean they say right to
my face, "Trick or Treat?" Those three words form
a question. The question is....Is it gonna be a
trick, or is it gonna be a treat. They are giving
me the option. I have never in all my Halloween
expertise heard anyone ever answer the question.
I have never heard some old lady say, TREAT and
drop half portions of a kit kat into a plastic bag.
I have never witnessed some old man say TRICK and
empty his colostomy bag into their plastic pumpkins.
It is just not common practice. So I just do what
everybody else does, I just don't say "trick". This
year it will be a real treat for me / trick for
them to hide in the shadows of my doorway like Boo
Radley and then jump out and interrogate one of
them hold them up against the brick wall and tell
them Larry doesn't live here anymore and if they
have any questions about his mysterious disappearance
they better get an excorcist, because they are now
in for a full blown haunting. Then they will all
then run and flee for their safety. The beauty of
this moment is that it will take years for them
to forget about it. That is, if they ever could.
Then in their sophomore year of high school, sitting
at their desk taking an exam they will remember
the moment, they will either understand they had
the ultimate trick played on them and thank me,
or they will start crying uncontrollably and empty
their bladder into their chair and onto the floor
as the English teacher phones the school nurse.
The good ending of that scenario is they will be
shuffled in and out of institutions and they will
be given a host of anti-psychotics to stop their
crazy thoughts, but it won't work. They will end
up being Larry. Again confronted at some clowns
door, with a repeat performance. No wonder Larry
cried so much. Oh well, Fuck thinking about this
stuff. I hate you and I hate me, and I hate Rita.
Life is grand when you are up against the fucking
wall. Stand tall America.
TCB LTC God Bless America -
Lumpy The Clown
READ MY OLD ARTICLES
in SPENT LOADS
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