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Friends of
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Unexpected Flair-Ups--5/16/01
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Oh yeah my life is
a parade, huh Kojak? Look you don’t know what the
fuck is goin on half the time so I ain’t all that
interested in helpin your stupid face out all that
much. Last week I
had a good friend of mine burst into flames right
in front of me, scariest thing I have ever seen
in my whole life. We were sitting in his trailer,
you know doin the regular shit, had a case of Stroh’s
light and a half pound of liver sausage. Well we
were just talkin, just like me and you are doin
right now. Just sittin here having this conversation
plain as day. Well this prick stood straight up
in his chair and gave me one those looks, the kind
of look that makes you feel uncomfortable. Well
his face was bright red at that point, I thought
he was rememberin some shit from the war or havin
a panic attack,but that wasn’t the case. Smoke started
billowing out from under his collar, and he just
opened his mouth, all the chewed fell to the ground
and he let out a shriek that sounded like a fucking
war siren. He kept looking at me and then poof in
a fucking instant his shirt burst into flames, I
jumped out of my chair at flashpoint
and hit the dirt. When I turned back, he looked
like Michael
Myers at the end of Halloween in the hospital,
all on fire and shit. I buried my head again, and
when I looked up there was nothing there but ashes.
Wow I thought what
the fuck did he eat? It’s things like that that
make you value life. For instance, it was pretty
early in the night and he only had about three beers,
so I got to keep the rest of the case. Secondly,
since he wasn’t gonna reappear from the ashes, I
thought, “Shit
he don’t need any of his stuff.” So I made my
way around the trailer only taking what I needed,
NOT BEING GREEDY. So I stumbled upon some coins
and stamps, old baseball cards, dirty magazines
and movies, handcuffs and the key, his Milwaukee
Circular Saw, and I kinda loaded up the Olds with
all kind of stuff. I said to him that I hope he
is all right and that I hoped he was OK, but then
I let in a little that I would never want to see
something as disgusting as someone
bursting into flames ever again. I just packed
up and left hitting a couple pawn shops on the way
home. I heard about a month later that he might
have been gay, you
know a flamer, wow that explained a lot. Well
see how when you have a day that is just going along
can spin out of control and take out all the lights
in your mind, shattering ever bulb. I am lucky,
I don’t need hardly nothing. And what I don’t have
John usually brings home from the store or I get
in the form of a pill from Malty or I pay for from
Rita.
See how this world spins, you get enough just to
get by and at some point BANG, you go up like a
fucking flashpot. Well who knows, I think that home
of the happens said it best when they reported:
The captains hands go still, the whole room goes quiet
and someone says at least the job is done.
There’s no pride in this it’s nothing to look back on
that bloody mess is some poor mother’s son.
That usually helps me get through just about anything. Well almost
anything, except when I get a bum scratch off lottery ticket, than I
start getting fucking antsy. So watch your eggs before they hatch,
otherwise you might get a heart punch right when you are coming around
the corner into your glory days. Nothing is so fragile is happiness, it
never lasts long enough to enjoy it.
Remember too, kiddies, I was someone, I was Someone.
Now, Fuck All Y'all!
Lumpy The
Clown
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