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Friends of
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Lumpy's Ark--9/6/01
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Hello
Kiddies-
Well, why is it that every time it seems like someone
make s a perfectly good promise they go along and
fuck it up at a later date. Why is it that when
this particular someone goes ahead and fucks that
certain something up they fail to recognize that
it is not only their mistake but it is also their
fault. Things have been on the rocks lately for
me and Rita. You know, we are always playing it
by ear, seeing how many more days we could squeeze
out of a very, very expired relationship. I beat
the head, she fills it with soup, I beat the head
she fills it with soup, this goes on and on like
this for ever until you decide, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Once I remember deciding EIGHT IS ENOUGH and then
the mind police stole that idea and turned it into
a top tv show about a fictional family called the
Bradfords. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW IF THEY WERE
FICTIONAL? What are you Marcy Carsey? You actually
make me sick along with that trash talkin Rita.
See, the problem on dear old Lumpy's hands is that
Rita fails to see the big picture, Rita fails to
see what tomorrow would bring if she quit fucking
bitching about Yesterday, the day before that and
600 days before that. You think Noah got shit from
the Mrs. while he built that barge, ON DRY LAND?
Hell yes. She probably wanted to know exactly what
he was thinking from the word go. But Noah was onto
something, but until that second that the rain didn't
stop, the second that their particular weather related
situation went from bad to worse, to cataclysm.
I am sure Mrs. Noah was bitching up her share of
the storm. He was sawing and banging, and nailing......that
doesn't sound like building an ark would be all
that bad. Anyways, Noah was slaving away days, nights,
whenever he could squeeze time in, he had a deadline
too. It wasn't like he came up with this one all
on his own. I am sure Mrs. Noah was piling it in
his ear too. "You never spend any time with me since,
this "almighty" friend of yours told you some far
fetched philosophy that the world will flood" I
am sure Noah tried to drown out that honking by
sawing more, banging harder and nailing later into
the night. Mrs. Noah probably even greeted Noah
with wonderful things like, " I tell you we could
use some work around the house too....
I ask you to spend five minutes with me and....."
I am sure Mrs. Noah went on for how ever many cubits
of time that it took Noah to put together this floating
genetic casino he was working on. She probably uplifted
his final working time with, "I tell you this, that
and the other and then this GUY tells you IT'S GONNA
RAIN and the whole world has to stop!" I am sure
Noah endured what every man that decides to take
on this co-existing business seriously endures.
The constant nagging of a woman. There are facts
about this. One. A woman will always blame you for
everything, even when it is not your fault. If she
doesn't out loud, than she is busy doing it in her
head. Two. A woman will start out any situation
nice, after repetition and repeat attempts her nice
will slowly burn off into a hot blue spark that
will fuel the demon fires that rage in her soul.
Three. If you experience a rough road on particular
topic once it will happen again with 99% probability.
If you experience a situation twice, it will probably
have a repeatability ratio of over 100%. If you
experience a third or god forbid more time....than
you outta have your nugget examined to make sure
that three pound organ between your ears was not
switched out for the latest model cantaloupe. GET
YOU SHIT TOGETHER BOY! Enough is enough, do you
really think this is gonna hold. She has done it
before, she will do it again. Problem! Well, two
problems really. One. PUSSY! It drives men to make
terrible decisions. Did you ever notice how you
rehearse the whole "I am right" routine and you
get one whiff of the that yeasty bread cooking down
below and you abandon your plan until it's all over.
Then you lay there with the air conditioning blowing
your hard on dry and you wake up unwilling to believe
this sweet person would ever demonically rip your
heart out of your chest. TWO. The other problem
is that guys have no follow through. Remember my
friend, Noah? Well, he pounded, screwed and banged
his way to a sweet boat. Those rains came, 40 days
and 40 nights of them......I am sure after 3 or
4, days Mrs. Noah was shitting bricks, carrying
on about her self and her fears. She probably never
took Noah aside and said, "Thanks Honey, Thanks
for the ark". She probably waited until the rain
all but dried up and said, "Oh if you only knew
how to manage the boat better we probably wouldn't
have ended up here. No one's around, it's like a
wasteland. It's so hot and muggy". All the while
Noah realized that he had every opportunity to throw
her overboard during the storm. He just didn't have
the follow through. That's the thing, Rita don't
get it either. I told her that story and she looked
at me just like you are looking at me, like a fucking
rug. Well boys and girls, all's well that ends well.
Now Fuck All Y'All
Lumpy The Clown
READ MY OLD ARTICLES
in SPENT LOADS
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