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Friends of
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Week 37: A
Side of Fries to go with that Shake
Los Angeles
March 12
8:17 AM : Morning
Macchio
awakens. A beautiful California morning; sun, a slight breeze, Macchio.
He gets the paper, wearing a baby blue bathrobe and green
slippers. The bathrobe appears tattered, old; the words “Macchio
Man” are emblazoned on the back in gold thread. At first I think he
sees me, but it was just a scare. I can’t afford to be seen again.
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8:36 AM: Cinnamon
Toast Crunch
Breakfast. He has two
bowls of CTC, an orange, and fourteen cups of coffee. Probably a little
nervous about that big audition today.(see MW Week 35) For those who
don’t remember, Ralph’s agent scored him an audition today with
“Seventh Heaven”, for the part of “Johnny”, a no-good misfit who
attempts to coerce Mary into sniffing rubber cement with him. He is
later apprehended trying to sneak into a movie while cursing. A plum
role; one that the Macch needs.
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10:41 AM:
The WB Stage 41
The audition does not
go well. Macchio is obviously nervous; he is pale, stutters, and
eventually gets violently sick on Seth Green, who is there to lend moral
support to John Lassiter. Lassiter upstages Macchio, and it is my guess
that he will get the part. Macchio storms off the set; two girls try to
get his autograph, to which he screams “Wax on, wax off, fuck you!”
and jumps into his 1994 Miata. He speeds off, and once again I narrowly
avoid being detected.
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4:12 PM: He Works
Hard for the Money
Having lost Macchio
for several hours, I picked up the trail at his place of work.
Presently, this is a restaurant called Eat with the Stars! on Hermosa
Boulevard, which features stars’ look alikes as the waiters and
waitresses. Ralph Macchio plays “Scott Baio”. I get a table in his
section, and order. I’ve been waited on by him at least a dozen times,
but this is the first time I notice a button on his shirt which says
“Charles in Charge of YOU!” I get extremely depressed and leave
before dessert. The service was adequate. I leave 12%.
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March 17
5:37 AM: 99 bottles of beer in the tree…
It’s a good thing I’ve spent all night drinking Amstel Lights in a
tree in Ralph Macchio’s back yard. He decided to rise early this
morning; a workout of jogging and a swim. Hmmm, did someone get a
callback for “Seventh Heaven?” Needless to say, I lost him on the
run, but was in good position for the swim in his pool. There is nothing
quite so breathtaking as a semi-nude, wet, glistening Macchio.
10:11AM: The WB
Stage 41 pt.2
The audition goes well; even Lassiter is impressed. This is the
Macchio of old; the Mighty Macch. All looks well…until tragedy
strikes. Suddenly, Ralph breaks down and begins begging the
producers for the role. "Uh oh" I hear. "This is just
like what happened at the auditions for Karate Kid: The Next
Generation". “I AM Johnny!” he screams over and over,
while being dragged out. Seth Green throws donut holes at him, coating
his face in powdered sugar. Macchio’s once proud almond-hued skin, so
noble and rich, is now covered in multi-colored sprinkles, and all I can
do is look on and weep. What has happened to this once proud man, this
icon of 1980’s cinema*?
*statement may not be accurate
Next Week: "Tossedloads":
Macchio does porn? |
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