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Friends of
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Week 41: Macchio
to the Rescue
Santa Monica, CA
May 21
12:12 PM: Dream
a Little Dream
Strip mall.
Noon. Sunny. Macchio. Shopping. Excitement. Passion.
Confusion. Discovery. Acceptance. Pain. Pleasure.
Cigarette...
I wake up covered in sweat on a bench outside
of the Curl Up and Dye hair salon on Glenellen
Blvd. Another day, another erotic dream. Why do
I torture myself? I take one look at Ralph Macchio's
tanned calves and know the answer. Damn
they're taut...
I come to in the
parking lot of Arby's. It was all a dream; my
dream and then a dream within a dream. Maybe following
Macchio is starting to wear on my nerves; I am
not gay and yet find myself dreaming about his lean
body and pre pubescent face more and more. Maybe
I -- wait a minute -- no time to talk; Ralph is
on the move. I guess Claire's Boutique didn't
have what he was looking for.
1:34 PM:
Lawn care (trim that bush, ho)
I was not aware that Waldenbooks even had
a "Homoerotic Gardening" section; today I have
spent the last 47 minutes browsing in it. For
such a specialty niche it sure does draw a decent
crowd. At least seven people have perused the
section since Ralph and I (in hiding) have been
here; however all were women who, upon realizing
it was not the regular gardening section, looked
quite disgusted and fled. One, after leafing through
a coffee-table book entitled "Penetrate the Earth
with your Spade: A Guide to Fertilizing your Backyard",
actually became ill and lost her blueberry Icee.
Macchio found it, on his Adidas.
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2:10
PM: Long John Silver and two marble tater
tots
The bookstore has bored Macchio; I creep
after him towards Off the Wall!, a poster
store specializing in art prints and pictures
of babies with their faces superimposed onto
sunflowers. He takes a great interest
in the art prints; especially Manet and Van
Gogh. When a print of Michelangelo's David
is discovered, Macchio practically has a heart
attack. "I love it, I love it!" he screams
over and over, jumping up and down. "It's
just perfect for the ceiling in my bathroom!"
After wrapping and paying for it, he makes
his way towards the food court. Fish for Ralph,
pizza for me. He actually eats every piece
of batter that lines the bottom of his greasy
boat. Dirty bastard. |
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3:32 PM: Spencer
gifts is set aB.L.A.Z.E. or The Cowering
Inferno
The post meal
digestion takes place in Spencer gifts. From behind
a rack of novelty birthday cards, most of which
feature nude obese women covered in cake, I
observe Ralph fingering the Kiss My Ass toilet
paper and Gummi Boobs. Without warning a loud
bang breaks the silence, and people in the rear
of the store begin screaming. Apparently a lava
lamp leaked onto a whoopee cushion, causing it
to explode along with the lamp, emitting a blast
of flammable oil. Within seconds all of the lamps
had exploded and were burning. Due to the strategic
placement of a new shipment of life-size Rappin'
Troll dolls the fire spread rapidly. Damn
their realistic satin jogging suits! In the
confusion a mad rush toward the front of the store
occurred. Unfortunately, the sprinkler system
also set off the metal gate, which closed, trapping
us. Could this be the end of Macchio?
3:47 PM: Ancient Chinese Secret
Panic. Only one of us was levelheaded
enough to keep it cool and come up with a plan.
Who? Here's a hint: he's a fantastic actor with
almond-colored skin and a fondness for glitter.
Since the store was rapidly filling with smoke,
he began yelling for everyone to find their
way up front:
"Everyone, please, make your way toward the Budweiser
frog decorative doormats. Follow the sound of
my voice."
"What are we going to do?", one crazed woman yelled.
"I'm too young to die! I can't leave my children
yet!"
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"I'll
tell you what you can do" said Macchio, backhanding her
square on the face, "and that's shut the fuck
up!"
That seemed to calm the crowd. To help keep
order, he led us in a sing-along of "Electric
Youth" (Left side, just the left side! O.K.,
now just the women!). After examining the
gate in several places, much as a surgeon
examines a patient before making the first
incision, Macchio set to work. He looked squarely
at the crowd, said "An old man once showed
me this trick", and slapped his palms together.
He rubbed them together, slowly at first,
then gathering speed, until they began to
smoke. Just when they could barely be seen
with the naked eye he slapped them around
one of the bars on the metal gate and
held them there until it melted. This
was repeated until everyone could fit through
and was brought to safety. |
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4:52 PM: The
Aftermath
The fire department and police were on the
scene within minutes, but due to the
quick thinking of Ralph everyone had already
been removed from the store safely. The only casualties
were a crate of Booby Pacifiers and about two
dozen Alf puppets. Ralph stuck around, mingling
with the crowd and signing autographs. I thought
I overheard him ask a few people if they "knew
anyone" or "could write, like a screenplay or
T.V. pilot". After a good hour accepting praise
from the crowd, Macchio snuck off to his LeCar,
anticipating a quiet night curled up with
a good book about gardening followed by some visual
molestation of David.
The next morning I walked out to the end of my
driveway and got the paper, only to discover that
our little adventure at the mall made the
front page:
MALL FIRE THREATENS SHOPPERS; SCOTT BAIO
SAVES TWELVE
Ho-woah...
Zappin' it to ya
The pressure's everywhere
Goin' right through ya
The fever's in the air
Oh yeah, it's there!
Don't underestimate the power
of a lifetime ahead
Electric youth
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin' up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
to the future itself/in the hands of itself
and the future is
Electric youth
It's true you can't fight it
Live by it
the next generation...
it's electric
Next
Week: Bon Appetit! Macchio does Gazpacchio
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