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Friends of
The Brain |
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Week 44: "As Seen on T.V.!"
Burbank, CA
July 29
11:12 AM: From the ass to the eyes or Ralph's early morning beauty regiment
Ralph Macchio. The name says it all: Mach-hi-o. Gorgeous.
He is sleeping
in today; evidently last night was riotous. Mitchell Whitfield, his
costar from My Cousin Vinny, came over and they stayed up all night acting out
scenes from the movie and dressing up as cowboys. I must admit that even
though he hasn't worked much lately, Whitfield looks extremely
good in leather chaps.
Macchio rises around 11 and heads straight for the medicine cabinet. Two aspirin and a couple of cucumber slices for the
eyelids. We can't be puffy today; he begins shooting an infomercial entitled "You Can Do It: 10 steps to a happier life!", which is a program created by Dr. Floyd
Clamazio. After a quick shower and a peach Nutri-Grain bar he's out the door on the way to Studio Lot 7 in Burbank. |
12:47 PM: Don't
Stands so close to me
Problem.
His eggshell blue LeCar, or
"Chris", as he affectionately refers to it, has broken down and is expelling blue smoke on the side of State Rt. 13.
Macchio tries desperately to
flag down oncoming traffic, but everyone driving by either (1.) doesn't
know who he is or (2.) does know and is disgusted by it. After
an hour a traffic cop pulls up and offers help. At this point
Ralph has been standing by the side of the road in 90 degree heat
sweating and cursing the drivers who have been mocking him for over an hour, so
he is understandably distraught. Officer Jeff Stands approaches him,
and immediately gets a mouthful of Ralph's squealing and
shouting:
"Where the hell have you been? You don't - I swear to God! Don't you know who I am?!? I'm famous, you
butthole!!! Don't touch me, I'll scream!!
Aaawweewwwaaaa!!!!!"
He is immediatly detained. |
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1:58 PM: Will "act" for food |
Ralph is bailed out of jail
by his lawyer and emerges from station house 12 into the
sunlight. He must have been strip searched, as his clothing is
torn and hanging from his body. He is covered in dust and sweat, and
his face is bloody and sports a rather large shiner. His lawyer
suggests Ralph return home to shower and change before the taping,
but there is no time. He jumps into Chris and speeds off.
Upon arrival at the studio he is greeted with a
mixture of indifference and hatred, as half of the staff think that
he's one of the teamsters' retarded nephews and the rest think he is a homeless woman
who has wandered over from McArthur Park.
The producer reacts violently to Ralph's
look, shouting at him and screaming that there was no time to get him properly cleaned up since they were taping live in 2 minutes. Macchio, being the consummate
professional that he is, simply says, quietly, "the show must go on" and begins punching himself in the chest. "Olivier used to
do this" he explains, "...gets the blood pumping."
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Two Minutes Later
It begins.
The
cameras start rolling, the crowd is prompted with
several "Applause!" machines, and Macchio and Dr. Clamazio emerge
from seperate sides of the stage behind a curtain and make their
way to the center of the set to the cheers of the
crowd. Dr. Clamazio, who has not yet seen Ralph and was unaware of
his appearance, is visibly shaken. Ralph acts as if nothing is wrong
and begins his welcoming of Dr. Clamazio and introduction of the
product. Every time Clamazio is supposed to respond, however, he
merely mumbles and stutters something indecipherable while staring
at Macchio and his extremely disheveled appearance. The crowd also notices: rumblings quickly spread
and there is a general air of unease. The cheers and applause become a smattering of random claps. A few people in the
crowd begin verbally taunting him: cries of "We want a real host, not some homeless guy!" and "You suck, Baio!" echo throughout the studio... |
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| 2:14 PM: This (emotional) episode brought to you by the letter M
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The crowd has worked itself into a mad frenzy,
screaming for Macchio's blood. He tries to keep order, attempting to scream
information about the self-help tape series over the din of the crowd. The
producers frantically wave their arms in a "keep going!" motion to
Ralph, but there is very little that he can do. It seems that this could be the end of our hero...
Suddenly, he seems
overcome with a sense of calming peace. He begins to dance; slowly at first, and gradually increasing speed. As he dances, he removes his shirt
and exposes a bottle of lotion previously hidden in his jeans
pocket. He pours the lotion over his chest and begins rubbing
it in, tracing slow circles over his nipples and mouthing the words
"do you want it" repeatedly. The crowd is immediately silenced when
presented with this bizarre behavior, and slowly return to their
seats. Ralph continues to dance; going from a strange New-Agey flail
into a Russian jig and culminating in a three-minute interpretive
dance based on the movie Irreconcilable Differences.
The crowd
breaks into rapturous applause when the display is over, and Ralph
stands before them, sweaty, panting, and covered in a crusty, second "lotionskin". He whispers something
to himself, then collapses into the fetal position, singing the
"Rubber Ducky" song Ernie popularized on Sesame Street. | |
8:27 PM: Banned in the U.S.A.
After his outrageous and groundbreaking
performance at the infomercial taping Ralph was diagnosed as having had a
complete mental beakdown, and was promptly thrown out of the studio
and instructed never to return. The tape of the show (which
basically consists of 14 minutes of the Mach, covered
in a cream-colored lotion, dancing and crying, and finally culminating in the
nervous "ending" (breakdown), has reportedly been burned along with the
negative film.
Another opportunity for greatness missed...
Rubber Ducky, you're the one,
You make bathtime lots of
fun,
Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of
you;
(woh woh, bee doh!)
Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,
When I squeeze you, you make
noise!
Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's
true!
(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)
Every day when I
Make my to the tubby
I find a little
fella who's
Cute and yellow and
chubby
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!)
Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're
mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of
you.
(repeat chorus)
Rubber Ducky, you're so fine
And I'm lucky that you're
mine
Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -
Rubber ducky, I'd like a
whole pond of -
Rubber ducky I'm of -
Rubber
ducky I'm awfully fond of you!
(doo doo, be doo.)
Next Week: Macchiosongs: Back to the recording studio |
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