Subject: Contact Redbrain
Why are you contacting us : PissedOff
Who did you want this to go to : RandyStainer
Comments : John,
You're a pathetic sad little man. A great majority of the population rues the day that you moved to Los Angeles.
A friend of a friend


Lani (?),
The name is Randy. If your letter is a comment on my writing, I just thought I'd clear up the misnomer to which your criticism applied. John Happy is the only John around here I've even heard about -- and he doesn't have a mailbox, must work the graveyard shift -- so maybe you mailed me in the hope he'd get the message. For future reference, all John Happy correspondence goes to Lumpy the Clown. If you just wrote the wrong name, yet think my writing reeks of misguided sentimentality bred to too many nominatives, you are not alone.

But just in case this is somehow an instance of mistaken identity: I'm everyone who doesn't suck's buddy, and I want to help. So who's this John guy, anyway? Sounds like a great-big-fat-green-balled fairy, this guy. And I'm guessing from your description that he must be kinda short. I wonder, though, if he is so insignificant, why would the majority of Angelinos -- millions of people -- rue his arrival in their fair megalopolis? One would think he would not even be noticed, much less cause the gnashing of teeth, being so particularly sad -- a nebbish -- even among so much mediocrity.

I'd just forget about the poor oaf. Maybe he hurt your feelings. Maybe you deserved it. But that doesn't matter, does it? When you find yourself angry with the pathetic weasel, just remember how small he is -- you're the bigger person, right? -- and move on. He's obviously too weak and poor to NOT get his due some day soon. Particularly in a perversely Nietzschean wonderland like LA (lah).
Your pal,
Randy

P.S. And if he hurt a friend of yours (I'm only guessing [you signed "friend of a friend"]?), that person is probably best armed to wreak the vengeance you have adopted as your own cause. He or she maybe knows him better than you do. Take care, and remember that if you're looking in the rearview mirror, you ain't watching the road, Lahnee (?).
God's love to you,
RS