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Friends of
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Word on the Street --1/3/02
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Unkle Slappy Nuttz
Presents.......
WAFFLE TITS
"WORD
ON THE STREETS"
State pie eating champion refusus to drop out of
the national competition due to constipation.
Kraven MooreHead -- for publications unknown
Billings -- Hebert Deeks, 28 and currently
Montana's infamous pie eating champion say's that
he will compete and win the national blueberry pie
eating competition based in the lower levels of
the Pentagon this Friday November 23rd.
" I just go out and try to eat my best. People
just don't know how hard and the amount of training
that goes into an event like this. That's
why i can't just pull out. I've placed too
many bet's on this event and I can't let my bowel
movement, or lack there of get in the way of my
victory.
Not everyone in the stiff 7 man contest can agree
with him.
John Varner 39, and so far the only man to
beat Hebert for the Amatuer Golden Pie Award, has
a different view.
"Is it really safe? That's all that it really
boil's down to, safety. I mean, if he is eating
pie's and suddenly begins to blow chunks I think
the rules speculate to remain seated for the full
7 minutes. That could damage the sport and
the competition for the rest of the year. We
need to gather and form a special council to over
see this kind of event."
Wayne Bowdish 19, representing the Special Olympic's
of Illinois, and currently winless in competition.
I just want to go out and do my best eating this
friday. I won't comment on that other B.S.
I leave the talking for reporters."
What's more important, a great time with the
family watching over grown men chowing down on pies
, or a bowel disorder that hardens the feces making
it difficult to take a pooh?
"I just want people to know that I've been getting
regular enema treatment's and downing great amount's
of water. I'm more then ready for this event."
When asked about his arch enemy he abruptly began
to bitch.
"I remember that John having a vomit spell during
his third minute of devoured his 13th pie in 91.
I even had a small amount flow over the table
touching my elbow. I didn't cry, I just took
it. Hey this is NOT just a game, It's a fuckin
war. Some people think football players have
it tough, but they couldn't wear the bib's I do.
Sure their great athletes, but in the game
of life, Does that really mean anything?"
We tried to get back in touch with John Varner for
Hebert's comment's towards the great exorcism trick
of 91. No phone call was returned.
President of the Pie Eaters Association Burt Jackson
did get in touch with us over the phone. Here's
what he had to say.
"I think everyone in these sort of situtions get's
very high strung. They quit being friends
when they walk through the doors of the pie tent.
It's great fun to watch. I understand
there are enemies in the sport and that's fine.
We need that to make it fun. I remember
the fight between Walter Fredickson of Iowa and
Tim Streetmatter of Poland.
Both men were on their last pie when the
gun blew. It was the best match this side
of the B.C.-A.D. crossover. Tim the Polish
Polisher won by a nibble. The crowd lost it
during the excitement and began a riot. It
was exciting!"
Although the event seem's to be rich in tradition
it's lacking in community support as former pie
eating champion's step foward with complaints.
Marge Hetters 102, famously known as the pie demolisher
seem's to have turned over her leaf.
"I think this game has turned violent. When
I was playing we all just did our job and went home.
These people now have not the clue as to respect
and great sportsman ship. "
We soon left Mrs. Hetters house and dug up old photo's
of her with the pie crown. We found several
photo's and even bought a dozen pie's as a fun gag.
When we returned to her house the next day
we brought Hebert with us.
They embrassed in a long hug. We presented
the pie's for her approval. After several
hours and reflection of old time photo's Hebert
and I left.
We will follow up on the winner of this anticipated
battle of the stomach's. In a small related
story Marge Hetters was found dead three day's after
we left her. Apparently she tried to relive
the glory day's and drowned in her whip creme covered
peach pie. We will always remember her.
Marge Hetters
March 4th 1899 -- November 20th 2001
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