Unkle Slappy Nuttz life story...73 years old

Unkle Slappy Nuttz is dead...(The until it finally is finished part sage that cronicles Slappys life)

So like I said before..I had some of the best and worst times ahead...

So that year i got word that a close friend had passed away from a drug overdose..now I dont outright say "DONT USE DRUGS' but I myself dont use them..Yeah i did when i was young and it was fun an all but i had my fun and i dont need to rehash on it cause it wasnt as fun as i orginally thought..
So at the funeral his best friend was saying how it was the dealers fault that he did an O.D...NOOOO Wrong buddy..it was HIS fault..The dealer simply asked him "he wanna buy some drugs?" the dealer didnt corner him and force the coke up his nostril..
So I left the funeral pissed that even in death people were in denial...
Well it was not even 3 months when Igot a shitty ticket..thats right boys and girls..i was pulled over on OCT friday the 13th 2000. I shopuld of seen it coming because of the luck..thats right..another death....this time my grandfather..now to some it doesnt mean spit on a frogs back..I dont know what that means..well to some its another death to some its a meaningful loss....This man taught me more about the communism then most will learn in a life time..Altho his teachings were simple and sorta like The waterboys mother..
."ohh you say KRAFT cheese company wants to expand their operations and open up another plant in Alaska you say..Well thats cause their a communist company that wants to corner the market and destroy the world he said"
Regardless everything revolved around to communism...guess thats common from someone who fought in WWII
well the next month was my birf-day..the day i was birfed..well more like shit out and told to get a job..
It was November 17th and i was finally of drinking age. that day i got a phone call from a long time friend named Mark B.
he was going to make the long hike back into Peoria and wanted to hang out. See people he became to big for his family tree..he was straight outta Boiler Room..(If you've seen the movie it kicks ass and you understand what level im talking about)
Big ass bank roll and..big ass bank roll..he also had a big ass bank roll..
Well i was excited as hell..this was my boy (NO NOT MY SON)
Well a couple days later i got this email from of all people DrBizzaro. he was like a midgets clit..short and to the point..
he said he had a few buddies who wanted to form a writing website (I.E. stupid stories) would i be intrested?
I didnt even have to think about it. YES!
I mean how cool was this. First off this man is a legend in the internet porn community and he asked me of all people on the internet to write stories for his buddy and their site.
this guy didnt even know me and he took a chance on a young idiot. Did it pay out? I guess thats up to you fans.
He told me to stay by my computer for more info he would be gathering soon. So for 3 days i didnt shower, sleep, brush my teeth..I just stayed by the computer..waiting...

Well a few days later i received an email from some guy named RedBrain. He was the genius behind the entire site. (genius-HA..oops)
He had some Q&A for me to fill out about myself and some info about the site if i was still intrested.
I filled out the page that looked like a fuckin unemployement request..it had everything..date of birth..sex...location from chicago...times a day you masturbate...what pictures do you use..have you ever fingered your own asshole..have you ever to date worked for a post office...do you like shoes...have you ever made out with your sister....if you were a stalker who would you like to stalk first...have you ever soaked for 3 days in gas an set your self on fire
This shit was crazy....
Well after i filled out all the "get to know your writer" info i moved along to the next stage..
what do you wanna be called...column title...sample story..
the first two are what you see today..the third..well that was in the words of Red "I dont wanna start off and piss off the mass of readers"
See i wrote my first story about a movie threatre worker who works under Adolph Hitler III..all the workers wear nazi fatigues when cleaning..well the boss goes insane when he sweeps up a Ludens cough drop and snaps..he remembers when germany had finally called it quits and signed the treaty..well Halls and Ludens moved into the area and began to chop, slice, dice, bake the germanys..hey its only fair..well they ( Halls and Ludens) starting using germans as their special ingredients in their enjoyable cough drops...(I also had a story about how Martin Luther King was standing about to delivery a powerful speach..it began like this " I had a dream...that i was born a Mormon...I dunno why..but thank god i aint Amish..thanx..an im out bitches"
I didnt really have much after that..but If martin ever said that..id laugh my ass off..just imagine him walkin off stage with a pimp limp..then come running back on a few seconds later laughing & screaming " I GOTCHA!..no but in all honesty people I did really have a dream"
HOLY SHIT U.S.N. HAS STARTED A FIRE... (I admit it got crazy..It was later changed to drop Halls but i kept the basic Ludens part when i soud my soul..check the archives HERE

Well for like 2 weeks i was full of self doubt.....How could i write like myself and yet try to remain funny to a group of people...Have you ever been told what you cant or shouldnt say and thats all that swirls in the mind..your so busy trying to walk down the crowded sidewalk not stepping on any toes that you dont turn your head an see the other side of the street that is completely empty..
I almost came to the point of replying to him that I wouldnt fit into what was being asked of me...I had the email almost filled out actually..but then i sat back an thought..this guy must of seen something in me..or he was smoking dope and thought how much of an idiot i was..why not gamble..
So the next day I hadideas flowing like a pornstars cumshots..shit wasnt ending and better yet..they were crazy yes..but they were not going to be looked down upon...
Well I had alot of shit down for the site when my buddy Mark finally made it into town. it was cool as hell having a friend from so far away make a trip in to see you..it feels good to hang with em..
Mark, Dade and I got together for a little night to dig...
He told me about his days as a stock broker..fuckin mad money yo..an i told him about this new site..he was excited...the only problem i had was i dont like to rant alot..an i cant keep flowing with stories about king kong an shit cause after awhile i get bored..i like to change up..maybe thats why my brain shuts down like a heat stroke..it just doesnt function..
well we hit the town..(strip joint) OK OK..
Well on the way back that night my buddy dade was driving and I was shotgun....Mark behind drivers seat....We hit a light on yellow and punched it thru..we were save by a mile..when it felt like a punch to the back of the head....next shit I remember I'm picking myself up off a fuckin yellow paint line...the car was totalled...
My friend dad got reamed by a of all things..a drunk driver..go figure..the impact was felt mostly in the back drivers side rear...
I was sitting in the middle of the road..staring into the sky..I didnt even know who I was...I guess some guy picked my pocket to find I.D. an I just watched him do it...
Well I passed out sometime after and woke up in the hospital with a tube down my throat and a doctor telling my parents that i was lucky...
The driver dade had a busted head from the window but he actually walked away from the accident less then 6 hours later..
But my friend Mark..he wasnt so lucky..he died almost on impact....he was resting in the passenger side backseat half way into the fiber glass.....he was only 23....crazy how life works out..sometimes your lucky..sometimes your fucked..sometimes your dead..its not really important what YOU go thru until your problems get over shadowed by the fact that a life was taken by a 12oz bottle of alcohol..
Ban marijuana..I'm sorry but I dont know many people who smoke a joint an go out driving their car..fuck no unless your out of scooby snacks you will find that person sitting by an air conditioner with a buffet of cakes and candies...well..i was anyways..lol
OK..back to my story..their not paying me to think about my opinion..
So the verdicts in..guess what U.S.N..you have ..3 fractured ribs..a punctured lung... hair line fracture in my left arm....twisted ankle....bruised heart....bruised kidney....fluid in the lung...and a sprained wrist..(that was from vital dick jerking..had to see if she worked still)
I spent almost 2 weeks inside..they released me after a zillion more tests and draining some fluid from the lung..
I didnt even get to go to the funeral..hell i was so out of it from the morphine that i didnt know he died untl 1 day before i got out..
So i finally got around to the emails 2 days or so after i was home on bed rest...i had emails from red out the ass...I remember it was a tuesday and i had until Wednesday to reply to his shit or i was fired before i was even hired..he needed to know that i was still down..So since i had ALOT of time i started writing...i got caught up pretty quickly i thought
By this time it was 2001 and It was just a wait and see for the launch date...I still didnt really know much about the other works and I wasnt really sure what it was to feature..
Well it was a little after that we finally had a launch date..yeah it was being kicked around but it was decided to launch at midnight April 1st. (altho since it was a time change Red did it at 11:00 p.m. so really he lied about the whole april fools day thing cause it was thru 1 hour before..APRIL FUCK YOU FOOLS DAY...

So the next day i got up like that kid from christmas story (sorry the names blank..i keep thinking you'll shoot your eye out)
I couldnt believe it..this site was really real..official..my new home for the time being..a place to show others that they wasted their time visiting us..
That first month was pretty crazy..I felt like Matt Damon an shit..everyone seemed to be talking about it on the internet..altho they talked about lumpy I seemed to be getting a supporting role..( I thought lumpy was the top shit cause his stories were the first you saw..sometimes people dont feel like scrolling down..but if they did..boom..there I was)
Good marketing on reds side tho I now see...If people wanted to read me they would read EVERYTHING.. except B.L.A.Z.E. he was on a different page..but thats not the point...

Well..I was a fuckin legend in the making..i had some emails but it seemed like people really didnt care too much about me..lumpy was our glamour boy..i was just that guy..Its ok tho..i didnt need attention to be creative..It was flowing out of me like Robin Williams on Mork and Mindy..difference is I wasnt all hopped up on cocaine...

I couldnt believe it..April was a blast...we even topped like 21 grand in 1 day..1 day..god damn..
It seemed as tho I had finally turned full circle from a wondering mind that delt with everything bad that can be thrown at someone and being told I was weird or nothing to someone who was attracting attention and everything..wow..
I guess what i thought was great would slowly eat at me an turn into something much worse..
Stay tuned as Slappy continues more into his heart and head..to turn out part 3 of this slappy saga
part 3...Slappy see's it start to crumble

Unkle Slappy Nuttz-K.J.S. (the Slappynator yo)